雅思 大作文谁可以帮我详细的修改下

雅思 大作文谁可以帮我详细的修改下
Some people think government should ensure the healthy lifestyle of people, but others argue that it should be decided by individuals. Discuss both views and give your opinion
With the development of society, more and more people now concern about the healthy lifestyle. What is under controversy is whether the government should take the responsibility to make sure the healthy lifestyle of people. Some argue that individual should ensure it by themselves. As for me, I'm in high favor of the government should ensure it.
As anyone who knows anything about the responsibility of government should agree the point that government have to provide sufficient facilities to ensure it's people have an accessible healthy lifestyle. For instance, some parks, gyms are established by government for the public for free, so they can do exercises or enjoy leisure times at parks to keep healthy.
In addition, government can also take some actions to limit the unhealthy lifestyle. There are two examples, French government pay for those who quit smoking, thus persuades people to get rid of unhealthy lifestyle. Like smoking, eating too much chocolates and sugars are also an unhealthy lifestyle, especially for children. So, British government try to prevent juvenile from eating these foods. These two all have a milestone-success for leading people to healthy lifestyles.
On the other hand, some people hold the opinion that individuals should ensure the healthy lifestyle themselves. As a famous saying, One man's meat is another man's poison. Healthy lifestyle, which is the best, should decided by individuals themselves. I do believe this opinion is dangerous for the public. Leading researchers of Health Agency point out: Lacking knowledge sometimes lead people a harmful lifestyle which may has a physical link to death.
Therefore, for the above reasons, I think highly of government play a bigger role in ensure people's healthy lifestyle more than individuals themselves.

不是我打击你,这篇文章写得很乱,首先结构不合理,其次语法错误很多,然后大量使用口语用词,最后车轱辘话太多,这篇文章最多只能得5分,我建议你买一本慎小嶷的《十天突破雅思写作》,文章我就不一一修改了,因为本人打字速度实在一般.希望你能取得好成绩!