英语文章，笑话，谚语

一定要是短篇的

A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"

一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."

Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"

两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一个猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说：“第一步，要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声枪响，然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办？”

Cat and Mice
Mrs Brown went to visit one of her friend and carried a small box with holes punched in the top.
" What's in your box?" asked the friend.
"A cat," answered Mrs Brown. "You see I've been dreaming about mice at night and I'm so scared! This cat is to catch them."
"But the mice are only imaginary," said the friend.
"So is the cat," whispered Mrs Brown.

布朗夫人去拜访一位朋友，她拿着一个顶部扎满了小眼儿的盒子。“盒子里装的是什么？”朋友问道。“一只小猫，”布朗夫人回答说，“你知道我晚上睡觉总梦见老鼠，我非常害怕。这只猫可以抓住那些老鼠。”“可老鼠都是假想的呀。”朋友说。“小猫也是假想的。”布朗夫人小声说道。

I think that I'm a chicken

Psychiatrist:What's your problem?
Patient:I think I'm a chicken.
Psychiatrist:How long has this been going on?
Patient:Ever since I was an egg!

精神病医师：你哪里不舒服？
病人：我认为我是一只鸡。
精神病医师：这种情况从什么时候开始的？
病人：从我还是一只蛋的时候开始。

很难收到的，选我噻

笑话：Aunt:If you are good,I'll give you a bright new penny. Tommy:A dirty old dollar will do. 题目：A Dirty Old Dollar 翻译：姨妈：如果你乖，我就就你一枚崭新的便士。 汤米：脏的旧的一美元就行。

英语谚语 1.a bad beginning makes a bad ending. 不善始者不善终。 2.a bad thing never dies. 遗臭万年。 3.a bad workman always blames his tools.不会撑船怪河弯。 4.a bird in the hand is worth than two in the bush.一鸟在手胜过双鸟在林。 5.a boaster and a liar are cousins-german.吹牛与说谎本是同宗。 6.a bully is always a coward. 色厉内荏。 7.a burden of one's choice is not felt. 爱挑的担子不嫌重。 8.a candle lights others and consumes itself. 蜡烛照亮别人，却毁灭了自己。 9.a cat has 9 lives. 猫有九条命。 10.a cat may look at a king. 人人平等。 11.a close mouth catches no flies. 病从口入。 12.a constant guest is never welcome. 常客令人厌。 13.actions speak louder than words. 事实胜于雄辩。 14.adversity leads to prosperity. 穷则思变。 15.adversity makes a man wise, not rich. 逆境出人才。 16.a fair death honors the whole life. 死得其所，流芳百世。 17.a faithful friend is hard to find. 知音难觅。 18.a fall into a pit, a gain in your wit. 吃一堑，长一智。 19.a fox may grow gray, but never good. 江山易改，本性难移。 20.a friend in need is a friend indeed. 患难见真情。 英语笑话 1 a little boy asked his father: daddy, how much does it cost to get married?the father replied: i don 't know son. i 'm still paying!!一个小男孩问他的爸爸，结婚要花多少钱？爸爸说：我不知道，因为我仍然在付帐。 2 a sunday school teacher was telling her pupils the importance of making others glad. "now, children," said she , "has anyone of you ever make someone else glad?" "please, teacher,"said a small boy,"i've make someone glad yesterday." "well done. who was that?" "my granny." "good boy. now tell us how you made your grandmother glad." "please, teacher, i went to see her yesterday, and stayed with her three hours. then i said to her, 'granny, i'm going home,' and she said, 'well, i'm glad'!" 一个主日学校校(基督教教会为了向儿童灌输宗教思想, 在星期天开办的儿童班)的老师在对学生讲使别人高兴的重要性。“现在，孩子们，”她说：“你们当中有谁让别人高兴过？” “我，老师，”一个小男孩说：“昨天我就使别人高兴过。” “做得好，是谁呢？” “我奶奶。” “好孩子。现在告诉我们，你是怎样使你奶奶高兴的。” “是这样的，老师。我昨天去看她，在她那儿呆了三个小时。然后我跟她说：‘奶奶，我要回家了。’她说：‘啊，我很高兴！ 3 dick was seven years old, and his sister, catherine, was five. one day their mother took them to their aunt's house to play while she went to the big city to buy some new clothes. the children played for an hour, and then at half past four their aunt took dick into the kitchen. she gave him a nice cake and a knife and said to him, "now here's a knife, dick. cut this cake in half and give one of the pieces to your sister, but remember to do it like a gentleman." "like a gentleman?" dick asked. "how do gentlemen do it?" "they always give the bigger piece to the other person." answered his aunt at once. "oh" said dick. he thought about this for a few seconds. then he took the cake to his sister and said to her,"cut this cake in half, catherine.". 迪克年龄七岁，他的妹妹凯瑟琳五岁。一天，妈妈把他们带到姨妈家去玩，自己就到大城市去买些新的衣服。 孩子们玩了个把小时，在四点半的时候，姨妈领着迪克走进了厨房。她交给迪克一块精美的蛋糕和一把刀子，并对他说：“喏，迪克，给你刀子，把这块蛋糕一切为二，给你妹妹一块。不过，你得记住要做得像一个绅士那样。” 迪克问：“像一个绅士？绅士怎样做呢？” 他姨妈马上回答说：“绅士总是把大的一块让给别人的。” 迪克说了一声“噢”。他对此想了一会，然后，他把蛋糕拿给妹妹，并对她说：“凯瑟琳，你来把这块蛋糕一切为二吧。” 4 stan: i won 92 goldfish. fred: where are you going to keep them? stan: in the bathroom 。 fred: but what will you do when you want to take a bath? stan: blindfold them! 斯丹：我赢了 92 条金鱼。 弗雷德：你想在哪儿养它们？ 斯丹：浴室。 弗雷德：但是你想洗澡时怎么办？ 斯丹：蒙住它们的眼睛！ 5 george knocked on the door of his friend's house. when his friend's mother answered he asked, “can albert come out to play? ” “ no,” said the mother, “it's too cold. ” “ well, then, ” said george, “ can his football come out to play ? ” 乔冶敲着他朋友家的门。当朋友的妈妈来应门时，他问：“阿尔伯特可以出来玩吗？ ” “ 不行， ” 那位妈妈说， “ 天气太冷了。 ” “ 噢，那么， ” 乔冶， “ 他的足球可以出来玩吗？ 出国必备英文日常用语 ▲potluck party 一种聚餐方式，主人准备场地和餐具，叁加的人必须带一道菜准备饮料，最好事先问问主人的意思。 ▲pull over!把车子开到旁边。 ▲drop me a line!写封信给我。 ▲give me a ring. = call me!来个电话吧！ ▲for here or to go？食堂或外卖。 ▲cool; thats cool! 等于国内年轻人常用的囗语“酷！”，表示不赖嘛！用于人或事均可。 ▲whats up? = whats happening? = whats new? 见面时随囗问候的话“最近在忙什么？有什么新鲜事吗？”一般的回答是“nothing much!” 或“nothing new!” ▲cut it out! = knock it out!= stop it! 少来这一套！同学之间开玩笑的话。 ▲dont give me a hard time! 别跟我过不去好不好！ ▲get yourself together! 振作点行不行！ ▲do you have the time? 现在几点钟？可别误以为人家要约你出去。 ▲hang in there. = dont give up. = keep trying. 再撑一下。 ▲give me a break ! 你饶了我吧！（开玩笑的话） 回答者：ygld - 魔法师 四级

英： "Can you name four animais of thecat family ?" "Mother cat,father cat,and two kittens." 中：“你能说出猫科动物中的四种动物吗？” “猫妈妈，猫爸爸，还有两只小猫。”

A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. "Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn‘t have crawled up there in the first place!"