高中英语作文评分及修改

高中英语作文评分及修改
这是即将要高三的一次模拟考,作文自己写好(无修改,一气呵成）但是没人评分,望各位老师评一下分并且写下您的观点和修改建议.
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It was Grandpa`s birthday party .Children ignored their grandpa ,playing their mobile phone all the time,grandpa signed and hearing their laughter,walked to his room lonely.It is we children who are often doing our business at parents` or grandparents`s parties.There is no denying that we ignore chat with our grandparents.What they need is a warm talk ,so how should we do at that party?here are some tips.
Firstly,never play your mobile phone during a party,if possible ,shut it off .Next ,trying to talk with our grandpa is of great significance.Nevertheless,you`d better not talk them with some short words ,which will hurt their minds ,too.Futhermore ,we ought to drink with our grandparents ,it is a symbol of love .Lastly ,smiling to our grandparents is good .
Such being this case , we will never make our grandparents lonely

你好,你的文章我看了几遍,内容要点都按照要求做到了,文章总体思路和用词都不错.但是有几个地方我认为修改下比较好.
1、grandpa signed and hearing their laughter 这句话修改下,写的不是很好,你仔细看下Signed 这个单词需要换掉
2、Such being this case 这句话你要表达的是如果我们都能做到这样或者都能做到以上事项.你写的这句话不能很好表达,建议修改
继续努力,加油!
再问： 没错这个应该是 sighedSuch being this case 这个如果要很好的表达要怎么修改呢？
再答： 1、grandpa sighed and hearing their laughter,这句话你既然要用and 连接，就要保持时态一致，或者将这句话重新修改下。grandpa signed and hearing their laughter,walked to his room lonely.

2、If we can do these,we will never make our grandparents lonely,或者 if we can do all of the above,we will never make our grandparents lonely.
再问： 其实第一句话是 on hearing their laughter ,grandpa sighed and walked to his room lonely ,我那句话就是从这句变过来的，省略了 on
再答： on hearing their laughter ,grandpa sighed and walked to his room lonely 这样更好！