英文自荐信改正语法错误

Dear sir/Madam
Thank you for taking some time off your tight schedule to review my materials. I am enclosing a personal data sheet which I think will adequately show you my qualifications. I would be pleased if you would grant me an interview at your convenience.
My name is ***, and I am a student at Tianjin University of Science And Technology. My major is financial management. I have always dreamed to be an accountant. This is probably why I chose this degree course, and also why I am so interested in this opportunity. I am going to graduate in July, and will be ready for work immediately.
I have enjoyed a rich college life. I was awarded the First Prize Scholarship and “Merit Student” two times, and passed CET-4 at the first attempt as a result of my hard work. Beyond that, I was awarded the star of civilization in 2014, I took self-education courses in my spare time and got Certificate of Accounting Profession, Junior Level Accountant and Second-level Certificate for National Computer （ACCESS）. Last year, I participate in the challenge cup of business plan competition for college student of Tianjin University of Science And Technology，responsible for the marketing and competition analysis, marketing strategy, financial analysis, investment analysis of the business plan, awarded the Silver. I think that in today's society to have a place to live in the light has written knowledge is not enough. In the cultural course progress at the same time, I continue to develop communication and interpersonal skills.
I am truly aware of the hardness and difficulties about this job, but I am confident that I would be able to face the difficulties, take on the challenges, and I am capable of being a good worker with my passion and interest in this career and the skills I acquired through study.
Should this application meet with your favorable consideration, I will do my utmost to justify the confidence you may repose in me.

Yours sincerely
***

Dear sir/Madam
Thank you for taking some time （off your tight schedule） to review my materials／file. I am enclosing a personal data sheet which I think will adequately show you my qualifications. I would be pleased if you would grant me an interview at your convenience.
My name is ***, and I am a student at Tianjin University of Science And Technology. My major is financial management. I have always dreamed to be an accountant. This is (probably) why I chose this (degree) course, and also why I am so interested in this opportunity. I am going to graduate in July, and will be ready for work immediately / afterwards.
My college life is great and memorable. I was awarded the First Prize Scholarship and “Merit Student” twice, and passed CET-4 at the first attempt as a result of my hard work. Beyond that, I was awarded the star of civilization in 2014, I took self-education courses in my spare time and got Certificate of Accounting Profession, Junior Level Accountant and Second-level Certificate for National Computer （ACCESS）. Last year, I participated in the challenge cup of business plan competition for college students of Tianjin University of Science And Technology，i was in charge of the marketing, competition analysis, marketing strategy, financial analysis, and investment analysis of the business plan, the result was thrilled. we were awarded the Silver. 
(I think that in today's society to have a place to live in the light has written knowledge is not enough. In the cultural course progress at the same time, I continue to develop communication and interpersonal skills.) 这一段话都不太对。
I am truly aware of the hardness and difficulties about this job／i have been awared of how chanllenging this job will be, but I believe with the skills I acquired through study I am capable of being a good employee with my passion and interests in this career.
(Should this application meet with your favorable consideration, I will do my utmost to justify the confidence you may repose in me. )

Yours sincerely


仅仅是个人意见，括号里的我觉得都不太用写。有些地方做了调整和改动。粗线的语句是有点奇怪的语句，我抓不准你要表达的意思是什么。所以标了出来。

楼上虽然激进，但您的确实不太好，您如果去港大第一个原因是英语，实在令人汗颜...文科生水平这种英语能力实在是....顺便说一句，港大录的时候基本无视你的自荐信，只要报上名，高考达到接近北清的线，就会让你面试，那个最重要，这信只要别太胡扯都行……