求点评,TOEFL 独立写作

求点评,TOEFL 独立写作
我现在是个初二学生,决定高中去美国读,第一次考了80分,现在在练习作文,挑了个topic写,望大家给予一点点评
正文：
Being a controversial issue,telephone has greater effects on human kind than television has aroused a great deal of attention in society during the past decades.Some would claim daily life has been upgraded due to telephones,while the idea that TV has brought greater effects on human is still held by some others.From my point of view,it is obvious that telephone do has greater influence on human society.
First of all,telephone brings the relationships between people closer.And due to the development of the technology,telephone has evolve to a communicate machine which has multi-functions.Now people not only can talk to their friends but also can see their friends.People can express their thought or emotion to their friends almost immediately via telephones.But TV haven’t these functions,telephone is the most direct way to contact with each others who is far from you.
Moreover,telephone can make our works more efficient.In ancient times,the normal way people to contact with each others are to send letters via pigeons or horses.But now telephones can do the job in a flash.It really saves enormous times which we used to spend on sending the letters.Consequently,people can do their job much more efficient due to the invention of telephones.Has brought positive influence among human society.In contrast,more people have spent their time on TV to idle away precious times which they can use to work or study.For some aspect,TV has brought negative affects among human society.
Last but not least,unlike televisions,telephone has more popularity among folk since it is easier to offer by normal people.Telephones have been invented by Bell earlier then TV,thus,technologies on telephone must be more maturate than TV which also means it is more reliable then televisions.
When all the above-mentioned factors are taken into consideration,a conclusion could be drawn that though TV do have affects on human kind of some aspects,telephone is a more critical part in our daily life.

People can express their thought or emotion to their friends almost immediately via telephones. But TV haven’t these functions,语法错,BUT后的话在逻辑上是和前一句有关,应用,并把B小写
with each others who is far from you.语法问题
telephone can make our works more efficient改为can make us working more efficiently
Has brought positive influence among human society.缺主语
For some aspect ,aspect应用复数,而且for改in较好
In contrast, more people have spent their time on TV to idle away precious times which they can use to work or study. For some aspect, TV has brought negative affects among human society.前后句逻辑性有问题
telephone has more popularity among folk since it is easier to offer by normal people. folk改为folks,但最好不用folks,太口语化可用people,mankind,human being 什么代替,而且这句话有语法错
1.建议把题目发出来
2.建议上个作文班
3.逻辑问题较多
4.文章段数太少,说理较少
5.段落结构不对,应为,topic sentence, supporting sentence, reasons and examples,写完topic sentence,一下内容都该围绕TS不该写别的
以上个人观点,但强烈建议现听老师讲讲TOEFL作文结构,或买本书看看,不要急于写